Divorce

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. Of course it just might have to do with the fact that I filed for divorce just two weeks ago.

I remember so many things about divorce growing up. I remember the preacher teaching that divorce was wrong and that we should never, under any circumstances get divorced because that would make God angry.

I remember couples that got divorced and it was a gossip that they had "been divorced".

I remember finding out that my grandfather had been divorced before he married my grandmother! I felt like that was a deep dark hidden secret in our family. Imagine!

I remember having roommates after college. When we would move on to other roommates it felt like you were getting divorced. You had to decide who got what. I did end up with a really nice marble pastry board because a roommate didn't want to move with it across the country. And I got the ironing board because someone else didn't want it anymore. I did lose a few things that had wanted to keep. And it really was the ending of a very important relationship.

Then, my senior year in high school my own parents were divorced. That was a good thing though. I do know that my parent's divorce was biblical and it was better for everyone involved that happened.

But it got me thinking about divorce at that age, and I did a paper in college about what the Bible says about it. I studied (maybe for the first time!) and wrote what I felt was a very good paper. I went to a Christian college therefore everything was from a Biblical perspective.

My teacher was quite impressed as well. When we was handing out the papers he asked if I had read has thesis on divorce (I thought I was in trouble!). But I hadn't run across it in my research and therefore didn't read it. So I told him that I hadn't and he said that pretty much we had both come to the same conclusions on what the Bible says about divorce.

Ok....all of that to say, that the Bible does allow divorce in certain circumstances. And I feel that I have Biblical grounds to file for divorce. But I can't help but have regrets. I don't have any regrets over the roommates that I have moved on from over the years. But I have regrets over the husband that I am divorcing.

I know my own faults and know that I could have handled certain circumstances differently and can't help but wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had. I miss him and the part of him that I fell in love with, and that brings certain doubts and fears.

I also have a part of me that knows I'm doing the right thing and that God is in these details. Therefore I'm confident in my actions. But I can't help but be sad. I can't help but wonder...